Dear Bobby...

Dear Bobby, May 1, 2009

I have been waiting for a long time to write you a letter. Every time I have tried, the words just failed me. It was as if I couldn't put on paper how I felt because I think that by trying to, all the pain would come back. I'm finding out right now, it does. To write makes me have to believe it. I have done a lot of thinking about your death since it happened. I don't hesitate to say, I miss you more and more with each passing day. I never thought a person could grieve for so many years, but I know now as I write through tears falling, a person can. A sister can. I still feel like a lost child left to aimlessly wander to pick up the pieces of life and go on. Sure, everyone thinks it's so easy to just go on. It's not! A day doesn't pass by that I don't think of you or see something that reminds me of you. I have a hole in my heart, you used to fill that hole. My heart breaks when I relive the days prior to your passing. It's like a movie that just repeats and repeats in my mind.

Yes, I have gone on with my life, I had to...But, you were there with every step I took. Bobby, you will always be right there. I couldn't, didn't want to leave that Spring day in April from the cemetery and I think when we drove away a part of me stayed. I was worried you would be cold. I still had so much to tell you and I felt cheated. I have asked myself so many times "Why didn't you call me that night?" If you had called, I would have told you what was wrong. I can't count the times you called me because you wanted me to interpret your blood tests or you were sick and coughing and so certain that you were going to die from a damn cough!

My crazy brother, my sometime friend, my constant late-niter phone buddy, my big brother (every girl should have one) 'Mad Bob', 'Duke of Earl'. A husband, father and who now would be a doting grandfather that I know would be spoiling those babies. I started this letter tonight because earlier I was thinking about the current state of our world we live in, an economy that has cost people their savings, homes lost and worst of all jobs. Also, how we are all having to worry about a new flu called H1N1, the advances in technology with cell phones and Ipods not even as big as a pack of cigarettes. The Internet, that is a computer based way for people to communicate with strangers all over the world through places like 'Facebook', 'My Space' and 'Yahoo Instant Messaging. 'Twitter' is all the rave right now. Everyone wants to "Tweet!" It's the new way to communicate. The Internet has ways of all types to find all the information you can think of about anything and everything. You can even find people you lost touch with.
You would have been so fascinated by it all. You loved it whenever something new that was electronic came out! I can hear you in my head talking about it. I remember when VCR was introduced and you called me to tell me you were going to open a video store! You were so excited!


Earlier, I was thinking of all you have missed out on, but as I poured my coffee to sit down and start to write you, it dawned on me...You missed seeing your children grow-up, grand babies born and most of all not growing older with your wife and me. You never met my second husband and our 12 year old baby we have-but aside from that-I think I'm happy that you are safe with Our Lord and do not have to live all the other atrocities that I see on the news every day.

So...my big brother, you keep on resting and give Mom & Dad a hug and kiss from their baby girl. One day I know I will see you again. :)

Warm hugs always,

Carol

P.S. Hey, I'm not crying anymore....

If you read this, please remember to just click on the ads at the bottom. This is the only way I have to earn money toward my kidney transplant.

Thanks so much.

10 Random Things About Me....

1. I get tired of things and people very easily if I am bored.
2. I get bored easily ( see above).
3. I absolutely hate phony people, keep it real or keep it to yourself!
4. I'm a jewelryaholic, but there is no 12 step program for that!
5. I love it when a physician is wrong! HEE-HEE!
6. I hate it when a physician is right! BOOOOOO!!!
7. My motto toward life is: "If you deceive me then leave me."
8. My Life is for my sons, my husband and then me.
9. I live my life one day at a time and accept what it throws at me.
10. Most of all, Swine-flu is really pissing me off!!!!

Neurogenic Bladder/Interstitial Cystits

I live every day with a Nerve-damaged Urinary Bladder and IC. When I was diagnosed, I was shocked! In all the years I worked in the medical field, I had never met a patient young or old that was ambulatory with this condition. Of course, I had encountered it with patients that were paralyzed but never any that could move around and walk. When I was diagnosed 7 years ago, there was very little information on the Internet about both of these conditions. It was hard for me to wrap my brain around having to catheterize myself daily. Generally, I am a fast learner but this was very hard for me to accept, much less do. It took me months to get it right as well as to this day there are factors involved that will still make it hard for me to perform the act. I have put Foley's in others while working and knew the procedure quite well. But, for myself it was difficult, actually a nightmare.

In the time this happened to me, I developed Interstitial Cystitis. Another disease I had never even heard of! IC was also at that time just becoming listed as a disease but scientifically not well-accepted as a diagnosis because there was so little information about it. Here is a link to give you information if you find you are suffering chronically with repeated Urinary Tract issues:
kidney.niddk.nih.gov/kudiseases/pubs/interstitialcystitis

So, here I was dealing with trips to the bathroom 60+ times a day, screaming in agony due to constant bladder spasms, I swear, I felt like I was in Hell itself! I never had even one Urinary Tract Infection (UTI).
This all started on a sunny Sunday morning when I was out for breakfast with my son & husband in May. First, there was intense internal itching and pressure to urinate. I had to go home and didn't have a clue to what was wrong with me For two months, my physician, the E.R., and a urologist just kept telling me it was another UTI. Finally, my gynecologist scheduled me for a CT and it showed my bladder was huge!
Immediately, she insisted I go to the hospital to be catheterized. A night in my life, I will never forget. They removed 1300cc's of old urine off of my bladder. I had more pain for 12+ hours than when I gave birth to my children. Well...the reason you have not seen any blogs this past three days was due to my IC kicking back in and I have been dealing with a lot of pain. Sometimes it will be mild and I can deal with it, often it can be unbearable. If you are a woman over 40 with Diabetes, Spinal Disease in any form and have a lot of urinary issues that can't be explained. I would make a visit to a gynecologist and tell him/her your symptoms. I had both of these diseases and did not know it. Early education would have prevented the pain I went through. My Neurogenic bladder is a result of being Diabetic with Spinal Disease.