"What is Normal?"

Yesterday, I was talking to my friend who is a bit older than me. She is always at me about the fact that I don't go out much. I don't understand why people who find out that you like being home have issue with that. I enjoy my home and being in it. Gone are the days of chasing after small kids, taking them to school, picking them up, grocery shopping, running errands, working two jobs and caring for an elderly Aunt & Uncle. Also, trying to maintain friendships, deal with single motherhood, a nasty ex-husband and still date. I was always on the go when I was younger. Frankly, I am happy with my life.

There are times I miss from my younger years but my health prevents me from doing certain things. I have grown accustomed to being limited to some degree but I don't think I am abnormal because I like to be home. I no longer live close to any of my long-time friends and their lives are busy. I am no longer in the working world but I find I really do not miss it. I am so tired of people questioning me about being home so much and trying to turn me into a head-case with Agoraphobia. I Do Not have that illness!!!

I go out when I want to. I am not afraid to go out. I have a very caring, sweet man for a husband who has a great sense of humor and is very loving. He would never prevent me from doing something I wanted to do. He has always advocated any endeavor I took on. My son, Kyle is great company after school but I make sure he has his alone time too. After school we talk a little, he gets a snack, does homework and then proceeds to finish his day as he sees fit. Seems normal to me. I spend my day as I see fit. I think if the men in the white suits had to be called to get me to go to the doctor's office or the store, out to dinner..."Then Houston, we have a problem!" But, right now, I am content to stay home, end of story...

"The In-Law Taboo"

I've been up all night trying to figure out why there is this thing I call "The In-law Taboo"?
Often I've thought about writing a book about it. It's like an automatic response that you are not supposed to like your In-laws. I've heard of people who have wonderful relationships with their in-laws, but my life doesn't work that way no matter how hard I try. I'm not talking about my husband's parents, although that has been bumpy at times, I have survived it. I'm relaying how awful it feels that my DIL dislikes me! I have never done a thing to her. He's changed completely toward me. I don't even know him anymore. This has gone on for 3 years out of 4.

Believe it or not this started over a Christmas Ham that I was late bringing to their house 3 years ago. Since then she has held a grudge against me and turned him on me as well. We didn't speak for over a year, then I begged him to be back in my life in Feb. and we are on speaking terms. For awhile it seemed to be straight. But...he very rarely comes here without her, he rides past my house at least 4 times a day as his business is on the other end of my street but he won't stop to see me. He never calls, he has told me not to call him, I am to email him. Before DIL, we were close and I couldn't have asked for a better person that I could call 'my son'. Now, it's gone. It's like in his eyes, I don't exist. I have fought with myself over why he allowed this to happen. I have done everything possible to repair my relationship with him and her but it just gets worse. I feel like he now just plain avoids me. I knew that once he married, they become one and he cleaves to her but no place in the bible says he should ignore his parents. I have kept my mouth shut (not easy for me) on numerous occasions and basically been told if I do see him, it's on his terms. Well...I don't even see him! I saw him the weekend before Mother's Day. Every holiday they are busy.

I ask myself should I just blow him off as well or what do I do? His wife speaks to me only if she has to and it seems very icy and cold through gritted teeth. I wish with all my heart she would just say what it is I did to really make her hate me. If I only knew...I would do whatever it would take to regain the friendship we once had. I never knew I could shed so many tears and be so hurt by something such as this. Usually, I can just move on but I can't get past it. Is it true? Is there In-law Taboo? Any comments left would be appreciated. There is way more to this but being disabled, it's too hard to go into all of it. I just know I am getting more and more depressed by it. I feel like an alien at times...

"Getting Pantsed!!!"

Yesterday, my son came home from middle school rather irritated. He told me that during recess (he's in sixth grade) they were called in early and the teachers were very emphatic they get in the building immediately. My poor son didn't know what to think or what could possibly be happening. I think it scared him. Although, he said he wasn't a part of it. He said that he saw around 16 other students coming out of the woods as he was going back in. Once he was back in class - an administrator told the class what had happened.

Apparently, a group of kids were in the woods practicing the "Art of Pantsing" which at first I knew what he meant but wanted to hear what he thought it was. If I recall "getting pantsed" in my school days was when the rotten kids picked on a weakly, disliked child and made him drop trow in the woods in front of 5 - 10 kids. I called the school this morning because last night Kyle kept asking not to go to school today and again this morning asked his father right before the bus came again to let him stay home, He told his dad he would "be glad when the day was over".

After speaking to his Guidance Counselor this morning it was brought to my attention that if his class was spoken to - then that meant kids in his class were in on it. So...my suspicions were right. Kyle must have been secretly worried it just might happen to him. Kyle is a good kid and although not some weakly little scaredy-cat, just like any other kid DOESN'T WANT HIS PANTS FORCED OFF OF HIM!!! This just appalls me to no end!!! I have done my best to warn him of the everything I could think of that can happen in school that is bad - this slipped my mind!

After years of and decades of kids and their bullying and horrible, embarrassing pranks and threats. You would think that parents our age would teach their children that this is wrong!! So very wrong, no matter what type it is!! I have always taught mine not to pick on others. It is not funny nor is it any less humiliating then being called names and picked on. I guess forever lives on the bullies.
I feel so sorry for kids that have to deal with this. I understand about life's lessons but why does the price paid have to be some child/children hurting another...(sigh) "I'll be glad when today is over and he's back home again".

"Dear Sons',

today is Mother''s Day". I feel so proud that you are all my sons. The day each of you were born was a momentous, defining day in my life. It's a day a mother never forgets. You were all beautiful babies with bright eyes and heads full of soft, sweet smelling hair. The way I felt holding you for the first time is indescribable. I just knew how much you needed me and I savored it. I watched you grow, saw every first step, heard every first word.I wiped away tears threefold through the years. All of you grew at your own pace in your own time. When one seemed to be growing faster, I'd turn around and find that the other was catching up. You were always in sync despite the age differences. Then, I was given two more special boys to call "Son". Another defining day in my life, only they were still adolescent so I didn't ever see them as babies but I was given the chance to meld them into what is now our family. Yes, it hasn't been all puff and glory but what family doesn't have troubling times? I've watched four of you grow into strong young men.
Now that four of you are grown and gone and Kyle is still growing-up, I can see a little bit of each of you in him. Kyle has Branden's silly, sweet smile, Eric's almond-shaped eyes and protective way, Kristopher's impulsiveness, and David's loving but quiet way. I want to thank all of you because if I didn't have you guys, then I wouldn't be a mom and today would just be another Sunday for me. All of you hold my heart in your hands and I can't think of a safer place I'd want my heart to be.
Love,
Mom

Dear Bobby...

Dear Bobby, May 1, 2009

I have been waiting for a long time to write you a letter. Every time I have tried, the words just failed me. It was as if I couldn't put on paper how I felt because I think that by trying to, all the pain would come back. I'm finding out right now, it does. To write makes me have to believe it. I have done a lot of thinking about your death since it happened. I don't hesitate to say, I miss you more and more with each passing day. I never thought a person could grieve for so many years, but I know now as I write through tears falling, a person can. A sister can. I still feel like a lost child left to aimlessly wander to pick up the pieces of life and go on. Sure, everyone thinks it's so easy to just go on. It's not! A day doesn't pass by that I don't think of you or see something that reminds me of you. I have a hole in my heart, you used to fill that hole. My heart breaks when I relive the days prior to your passing. It's like a movie that just repeats and repeats in my mind.

Yes, I have gone on with my life, I had to...But, you were there with every step I took. Bobby, you will always be right there. I couldn't, didn't want to leave that Spring day in April from the cemetery and I think when we drove away a part of me stayed. I was worried you would be cold. I still had so much to tell you and I felt cheated. I have asked myself so many times "Why didn't you call me that night?" If you had called, I would have told you what was wrong. I can't count the times you called me because you wanted me to interpret your blood tests or you were sick and coughing and so certain that you were going to die from a damn cough!

My crazy brother, my sometime friend, my constant late-niter phone buddy, my big brother (every girl should have one) 'Mad Bob', 'Duke of Earl'. A husband, father and who now would be a doting grandfather that I know would be spoiling those babies. I started this letter tonight because earlier I was thinking about the current state of our world we live in, an economy that has cost people their savings, homes lost and worst of all jobs. Also, how we are all having to worry about a new flu called H1N1, the advances in technology with cell phones and Ipods not even as big as a pack of cigarettes. The Internet, that is a computer based way for people to communicate with strangers all over the world through places like 'Facebook', 'My Space' and 'Yahoo Instant Messaging. 'Twitter' is all the rave right now. Everyone wants to "Tweet!" It's the new way to communicate. The Internet has ways of all types to find all the information you can think of about anything and everything. You can even find people you lost touch with.
You would have been so fascinated by it all. You loved it whenever something new that was electronic came out! I can hear you in my head talking about it. I remember when VCR was introduced and you called me to tell me you were going to open a video store! You were so excited!


Earlier, I was thinking of all you have missed out on, but as I poured my coffee to sit down and start to write you, it dawned on me...You missed seeing your children grow-up, grand babies born and most of all not growing older with your wife and me. You never met my second husband and our 12 year old baby we have-but aside from that-I think I'm happy that you are safe with Our Lord and do not have to live all the other atrocities that I see on the news every day.

So...my big brother, you keep on resting and give Mom & Dad a hug and kiss from their baby girl. One day I know I will see you again. :)

Warm hugs always,

Carol

P.S. Hey, I'm not crying anymore....

If you read this, please remember to just click on the ads at the bottom. This is the only way I have to earn money toward my kidney transplant.

Thanks so much.

10 Random Things About Me....

1. I get tired of things and people very easily if I am bored.
2. I get bored easily ( see above).
3. I absolutely hate phony people, keep it real or keep it to yourself!
4. I'm a jewelryaholic, but there is no 12 step program for that!
5. I love it when a physician is wrong! HEE-HEE!
6. I hate it when a physician is right! BOOOOOO!!!
7. My motto toward life is: "If you deceive me then leave me."
8. My Life is for my sons, my husband and then me.
9. I live my life one day at a time and accept what it throws at me.
10. Most of all, Swine-flu is really pissing me off!!!!